From Twitter:

I need this baby to sleep the rest of the night. I didn’t sleep this little when she or her twins bros came home from the hospital.


When Visiting My House

Today, we had someone come by who was incredibly presumptuous, annoying and generally rude. I would like to encapsulate their visit by writing down some dos and don’ts when visiting us for a single meal or for an extended stay. I’m sure there are some take aways for both situations.

1. Do bring a host or hostess gift. Bottle of wine, trinket that reminded you of us or an unexpected dessert or appetizer. In fact, you should probably ask if there is something you can bring. Not just show up 45 minutes late without a text or phone call for the 30 minute late time that you provided earlier in the morning.

1a. Don’t show up with the disposable plastic containers that you were explicitly told were not to be returned and act like you just handed me the Holy Grail or a bar of gold. It was GladWare and you should have recycled or reused it.

2. Don’t think that you are going to be spending the entire weekend here when you’ve been invited for a single meal. I might let you slide and have two meals, but don’t think that you’re staying for breakfast and lunch. Especially when we’ve said we have other house guests, who made plans earlier, spending the night.

3. Do try to be interested in other topics of conversation other than the ones that directly apply to you. I do not have cable. I do not watch a lot of TV or movies, I have 3 kids under 3. I have an hour between putting them all to bed and when I pass out in front of said TV which I recorded from over-the-air broadcast TV or getting on NetFlix. I’m trying to expand upon a topic that you brought up that is occurring in the real world, not in your fantasy land.

3a. Don’t talk about why the Executive Producer of whatever the fuck will be the best thing that happened to Show X. Because it doesn’t matter and I don’t want to spend any minute inside the 1 1/2 – 2 hours of the day, when all the children are sleeping, doing anything I don’t want to do. This includes chatting about Show X or Y or Z, all of which I’ve expressed are not shows I watch or intend to watch.

3b. If I tell you I don’t want to hear about the ending to a show that I do watch, DON’T TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKING ENDING. I’ve already said that twice. Don’t tell me about the ending, I’m watching this weekend.

4. Don’t sit at the table dicking with your phone and expect that I will plate your food and serve you like I’m the fucking help and you are lord of the manor. I’m the king of this castle because I work my ass off to pay the mortgage, keep these kids in clothes and my wife properly sexed.

5. Don’t invite yourself to anything else that was mentioned in passing as part of a conversation between my wife and I. It was not intended for you to hear as was evident of both of us being out of the room and your nosey ass went snooping to see what you could find.

6. Don’t show up at my house and mention that I don’t have your preferred beverage when a) you didn’t bring shit; and b) you know that you want something that I can’t buy in the area I live in.

As I said up top, one person did the opposite of the list provided over the span of 8 hours today. You will not be invited back.

From Facebook

I know most of you don’t care, but will respond to passive aggressive guilt on social media. Please copy and paste this to your status if you’re constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their statuses. Many people won’t copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they’re sarcastic by nature. If you don’t copy and paste it, then this means you hate puppies. And if you hate puppies or just posts about dogs that need immediate adoption, the terrorists win. And a unicorn dies. smile emoticon less than three.